Reaching out for a shred of darkness
by Traitor of All Traitors
Summary: In the Temple of Outcasts, Shinji, broken beyond salvation, receives a visitor that brings him out of his dark spot and moves him towards another darkness that could promise him release if one is made to pay the ultimate price.


Creation began on 08-27-19

Creation ended on 08-28-19

Neon Genesis Evangelion

Reaching out for a shred of darkness

A/N: A sequel to _Temple of Outcasts_, and we get some insight into what was mentioned in _Nonexistence is Freedom_.

The silence never shifted in the Temple of Outcasts. The only place on the planet where vows of silence weren't enforced, but where people with nowhere else to go, with no ties left to anyone…were, more or less, condemned by their own issues that were never resolved. This was where Shinji Ikari resided, sitting in his small corner of the temple, looking out a window at the world around him, never speaking, never involving himself with others, even the ones that lived here, and never aging a day since the aftermath of the end of the world that only lasted for a few hours before everyone was restored.

Everyone that could be restored; the hardest part of what occurred during the Human Instrumentality Project was that anyone that died before it ever happened stayed dead…and there were dozens of people that either died of natural causes or had been murdered by SEELE during the invasion on the Geo-Front that stayed dead.

But none of that mattered to Shinji, anymore. He had ceased his attempts to care about anyone or anything. What did any of it mean to one that was nothing more than a pawn to people he tried to make matter to him? Of what impotence were concepts like friendship, family bonds, forgiveness or even belief in humanity…when there were none that ever tried to hold onto those concepts? No, for him, there was nothing left to believe in.

Nothing and nobody.

"You're like me," he heard someone say, never turning his head to look beyond the window. "You feel the world has turned its back on you. You've been hurt beyond any capacity for salvation…but you don't want salvation, anymore, do you? You've lost your faith, in both the world and of people. They cast you aside, despite your attempts to cling to impossible grips. The people that you tried to keep in your life, they did much worse than cast you aside. They cast you aside after you were broken…and made no attempts to save you."

Then, shifting his gaze subtly to the left of his room, he saw someone that had caught his attention. A man, probably about six feet in height, taller than he ever could've been, but his face was adorned with wrinkles that shouldn't have been there due to being young, more than likely a sign of premature aging that damaged him. His hair was gray, with minors signs that it had once been black, but his eyes… The eyes were of a man that had seen only the worst of the world and its people…more than what he should've seen…and were deprived of any rest…and stripped of any essence of light.

This man…might've been what was fated to befall him had things ended worse for him.

"I'm you," the man told him. "You're me. We're the same. We have both been hurt beyond any measure of saving. But you don't want to be saved, anymore, do you? You don't want to feel for anyone or anything that has damaged your trust in the world. Like me, you just want…everything to cease. You want it all to end so that you can be free from the bindings of this agony we both can't escape from, don't you?"

He didn't say anything to this man that was claimed to be himself, but didn't ignore him for what he said. Everything he said to him…was far from false; he had given up on the world and wanted nothing more to do with it or the people. Whatever feelings he had for Misato, Asuka, Rei, his parents, Kensuke, Toji, even Pen-Pen…they died…and there was no bringing those feelings back. It was better to just be dead forever. Better to be dead forever than in agony forever.

"I do," he uttered to him, "more than anything."

"Come with me," the other Shinji suggested. "There are others like you, like us, suffering what seems like an eternity of agony that we can't escape from, and we know who caused it. You know who caused it. The primary root of our suffering. He might've forced us into it…but she was the one that set the suffering in motion when she abandoned us to play God. You know who I'm talking about."

Yui Ikari, the mother that condemned her only child to a lifetime, an endless, looped lifetime, of relentless pain and unimaginable heartache that wouldn't be mended. And deep down, Shinji hated her for all of it, her beliefs, her agenda, her choice.

Shinji hated her with so much intensity that he yearned to make her pay more than what he felt she hadn't paid already. While she might've been serving as eternal proof of mankind's existence adrift in space, nobody down here was going to give any amount of shit over that nonsense, including him.

"People can't survive in space," he told the aged Shinji.

"We're past the point of space," he responded. "We're past the point of the stars, the moon, the sun, all of it. Where we go from here, there, anywhere, nowhere, we're past everything that we know of. There is only the destination, and that's the end we seek. Can you see the end?"

"All I want is to see the end."

"You know where I'll be, then. See you on the other side of our existence."

Then he was gone, leaving the solitary Shinji alone in the temple once more. For the first time in a long time, the very thought of someone else just like him wanting the end to misery and agony like he did brought a sense of elation to his bitter heart. To put an end to what they were suffering from would mean freedom from their pain. And he wanted that freedom, he wanted that end to claim him.

Yui, his mother, had flat-out stolen that right from him, spiting him in a way with her beliefs. She had dealt him a cold and careless hand, and now he knew the harsh truth. The only way to change any of this for himself was to remove the flaws of this empty existence that were himself and his mother. To be rid of her completely was to be free to move on, to no longer be bound by anyone's beliefs or decisions that ruined any chances for a real life.

Rising from his chair, Shinji knew where he had to go now. There was no home for him anywhere here, and there were no people in the temple that could stop him from leaving whenever he chose to. He might as well have been dead, but he'd never be free. And there was nobody that would actually miss him; all ties were severed and a waste of time to try and hold onto.

"It's time to go," he uttered, and turned towards the door.

-x-

"…So all she really said to him when they came back was just that?" Misato asked a representative from NERV's German branch after Asuka refused to speak with her regarding Shinji's current state of disassociation with everyone around him. "She just told him to get away?"

"To go away and stay away," the woman explained. "I mean, he tried to strangle her after he came back. She never said why he did so, but my guess is that he went through something so terrible that he would've needed therapy to cope with…only to receive no actual aid in the end."

"Of all the… This is just bad."

"But you know where he is now. How can this be bad now?"

"Because he's broken; he won't talk, he won't move around, and the people at the temple on the island all know he's no better than an invalid and make no effort to try anything to help him. The place is just a way station for people that the rest of the world doesn't want anything to do with."

"But…isn't that true with NERV? I mean, he was just a pilot for everyone, a solution to a problem taken care of over fifteen years ago. The problem was taken care of, so he's no longer necessary."

Except for the damage that was done to him that was never resolved. True, they got Gendo and the heads of SEELE and put them in jail for their crimes, but that might as well have been a small comfort for the people that had to try and piece together what was left of this broken world that didn't get any better in the recovery efforts.

"_We're stuck in this evolutionary dead-end because of Ikari's son!" _Keel Lorenz had yelled before he was sent to death row. _"We could've been free had he just done as he was told! Ikari… That family can't do anything right!"_

"_I wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to see me," _said Gendo when he was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole for his involvement in causing Second Impact and attempts to trigger and control Third Impact. _"I've hurt him in ways that he may never recover from. Even if you find him, he may not even want anyone's help. For him, help would the same as harm."_

Everyone had these opinions about Shinji that just didn't do anything to shed more insight into how maimed he had been. Not even his former classmates wanted to talk about him, like he was some sort of omen, even though none of what happened in the Third Impact was really his fault.

_Damn it, Shinji, _she thought as she ended her call with the German branch, _it'd make some sense if you were to just talk like before._

-x-

Walking down the stone stairs away from the temple, Shinji looked out at the vast ocean in front of him, knowing that he wouldn't see it again after today. Some of the people in the temple were curious as to where he was going, since he had nowhere else to go, but he paid them no mind. On the beach, as if appearing out of thin air, his other self showed up on the sand, sitting on a small throne of bone.

"We really are past everything that is and isn't, aren't we?" He asked.

"Because of that woman," the one on the throne responded, "we can't go back to who we were…even if we wanted to. There's no fixing what she broke on purpose. A woman that desired a family…only to shred it in the darkness. Nobody deserves what she claimed to want if they won't commit to anything. What is the point of having a family…if you won't commit to it?"

"There is no point or reason to have a family if you can't or won't commit. Just as there is no point or reason to living if you can't or don't want to live in the world that shuns you."

"Exactly."

"Mother must pay for her deceit. Mother must be made to atone for her sins against us with her own soul…until she's the one withering away in the cold darkness."

"And she will. One way or another, she will know all of our pain and suffering to the edge of madness that is inescapable."

Then…they were gone, leaving no trace of their presence to be found.

In the darkness still…

A/N: Those trapped in madness often only find those who are also trapped in madness. In a multiverse, one will likely ally with the alternate versions of themselves in order to fulfill a goal that becomes all-consuming. And on a path of vengeance, the ultimate vengeance sought after by those consumed by loss is often the vengeance needed to free them from their pain.


End file.
